The Angel's own heaven

2003-01-04T14:08:00.000-08:00

song of the day: "Accoustic #3" by:Goo Goo Dolls

They painted up your secrets
With the lies they told to you
And the least they ever gave you
Was the most you ever knew

And I wonder where these dreams go
When the world gets in your way
What's the point in all this screaming
No one's listening anyway

Your voice is small and fading
And you hide in here unknown
And your mother loves your father
'Cause she's got nowhere to go

And she wonders where these dreams go
'Cause the world got in her way
What's the point in ever trying
Nothing changing anyway

They press their lips against you
And you love the lies they say
And I tried so hard to reach you
But your falling anyway

And you know I see right through you
'Cause the world gets in your way
What's the point in all the screaming
You're not listening anyway

last nite was very weird folks and im sorry to the people that i hurt during my break down... but good did come out of it... one thing being that i have a new found connection to a new and hopefully life long friend... and u know who u r.

2003-01-03T21:36:00.000-08:00

why cant i stop crying? thats right... because the night i get depressed about my parents and i want to turn to jason... his girlfriend ims me telling me im a threat when she has him. life is really hating me. i just want someone to turn to

2003-01-02T16:45:00.000-08:00

"The Journey of Hello"

The first day you said hello
the first day that we began
with the wink of an eye
the shot of a smile
and the gentle touch of your hand.
The first day you said hello
The first day of you and me
It was a hello I would never forget
Because the hello was meant to be.

They say a hello is supposed to make your day,
tell that to the person who's breaking away.
As I sit here bathed in my tears,
burned by your words from over these years,
I wonder if it would have been this way,
if you hadn't said hello that day

The first year you said hello
The first year troubles began
In the wink of an eye
With the shot of some words
And the harsh touch of a heart gone bad.
The first year you said hello
The first year we broke apart
It was a hello I would never forget
Because the hello broke down my heart.

They say a hello is supposed to make your day,
tell that to the person who's breaking away.
As I sit here bathed in my tears,
burned by your words from over these years,
I wonder if it would have been this way,
if you hadn't said hello that day

The first life you said hello
The first life that wasn’t true.
In the wink of an eye
With the loss of some words
And my mind knew I had lost you.
The first life you said hello
The first life that would never go away
It was then that the hello was changed…
It was a goodbye that burns me to this day.

**special thanks to tommy "mr. perfect" thompson, my song buddy**

2003-01-01T14:41:00.000-08:00

wow folks. this New Years was interesting. i will give everyone a little run down of how delirious the girls were, how ignorant the guys were, and how sorry i am. first... we have the girls... it all started with me being pissed and going upstairs which was followed by taylor, steph, megs, traci, and finally sarah to all wallow in our self pity. and we start talking about guys and the events of the evening, and the things that DIDNT happen that evening, and that is at about 3:45. then i send taylor to call my friend mike to talk to him about me. that was a big mistake on my part, but we will get to my apologies later. sorry folks, this will be a long one. and of course taylor talks to mike for an hour and then bucky for an hour, and now it is.. ummm... 530ish. and we are going crazy. we are talking about thongs and pool and lava and how taylor has a sensitive ass crack, how i am just overly sensitive, how steph and traci are almost passed out from lack of sleep, how megs eyes hurt because she was too retarded to take out her contacts. no, she has to bitch the whole nite that the light was too bright and bla bla bla. and then we talk about how sarah... well... now loves the sport of pool. sometime during these escapades, cody, our curly haired friend, decides to join us so that he can be the only guy in a room full of sexually frustrated girls talking about thongs up their asses and if their boyfriend has one nut or two. poor cody, poor poor cody. then the girls decide that we need to make new years resolutions up for ourselves about boys... one broad and one specific. after i said mine (broad: to let my very best guy friends know how much i truly love them, specific: that at this time, next year, Jason and i will be on better terms than we are now, atleast talking), all the other girls wanted me to make theirs up and it was decided then and there that i should write fortune cookies for a living. after tears were shed and the bitchy claws of 730 am came out, we headed over to buckys to wake up him and mike and hed to IHOP. and then i will skip maybe hours which only included 2 hours of sleep and go to a conversation i had with a very special friend, i will call him rex, that led to him being very upset with me. and now... we have aplogies... first...
"REX": i am very sorry for blurting ur news out to everyone. the thought didnt even cross my mind. it just frustrates me sometimes how much you ask me for advice and how you are always searching for the answers and then i try and tell u the honest to God truth, and you just yell at me. there are times when i think that you are an incredible person and i envy you for your determination to constantly want to improve yourself and be a better person. and then there are times where i call you and apologize, and you dismiss it as nothing. you have known me long enough to know that after u were mad at me, i sat on the bed and sulked the entire time until i got the guts to call you. i hate confrontation, and that was a big huge step for me and it was completely embarassing which then led me to sulk on the bed even more and cry, which no one knew i did. but i love you, and i always will love you because you are a kind and gentle person, you just need to find out what you want in life and go for it. i am sorry, and i love you and everything that you have helped me thru. now i hope its my turn i can help you out. next..

MIKE: i cant say how many times i am deeply sorry for having other people call u last nite and not myself. like i stated earlier, i hate confrontation and i would rather be pissed for a night and not have the stress on u of me being upset than us having it out on the phone. but i should have called u, i just didnt know how u would react. i thought that u would deny it all and i was simply afraid of you thinking i was blowing it out of proportion. but you know what... i love you. i sometimes think that i say that too much to you and dont say it enough when i need to. i love you for being my best friend and being able to take me to pizza hut and letting me wear ur clothes and chill with you on ur bed. i need that in someone sometimes, and that is you. and now the part that u may not know. i take our friendship deeper than pizza hut and bands. i try to take it as an escape from wutever problems u r having in your life. i know why you do the things you do and why you treat me the way you treat me sometimes, like last nite, and im ok with that. im ok with that just because i know that atleast it was me you were letting those out on, and i can take it. it make not always seem like it, but i can take it. i love you kiddo, and i know you go through hard times, and i know that you think that you are never out of those hard times, and that is what i want our friendship to be about. i want you to come to me WHENEVER you are upset because i will be here, no matter what. i love you. and last but certainly not least...

JASON: i did alot of thinking in the wee hours of new years. and alot of it was about you. and that is simply because we arent friends anymore. we dont talk, and i dont know why. i started thinking about how 8 months ago, we were going to formal together, and now this. i would have been thrilled had you picked up ur phone on your birthday when i called. but as i was talking about you with steph and megs, i was wondering if u ever even had a thought about me. it drives me crazy that i dont know what is going on with you in your life right now, and i want to. you were my best friend and now we are nothing. it really upsets me to think that i have lost my best guy friend... the only guy that understood me, and knew y i did the things i did and y i treated u how i treated you and it kills me to think that you are having a better life without me. because i know that mine is not the same without you. i have told you this before...you made me belive in God. i do think that God put us on this earth to meet each other, and that we are supposed to be there for each other to help each other get through the hard times. and trust me, i am going through some hard ones right now, and i wish you were here. i wish i got a call from you or an email or even a response. i have realized just how unselfish i am with you, which u may not believe. you think i am the most selfish person in the world... but let me explain. there were and still are times when u treat me terrible... like complete shit... and i put up with it farther than any person should. and it is because i know your backround and i know why u do what u do and i understnad that. and i used to and still feel that if i am not there for you, then i dont know who will be and that scares me. you mean the world to me and it kills me when u r in pain but it kills me more when i dont know about it. so i would rather u treat me like shit so that you would sleep better one night than for you to treat me like everyone else and have that bottled up inside. i dont know if this means shit to you, but i love you, and you know that. and i just want to be apart of your life. that is y you are my new years resolution.

ok folks... wow! who knew i could type so much? i sure didnt. well, i hope that everyone had a happy new years, and mike, jacob, and jason... i love you three more than you will ever know. and it scares me that if im not there, no one will be and you will fall. so always know that i am always here, no matter what.

2002-12-30T00:03:00.000-08:00

so... i guess this would be my virgin entry, since i am new to this. a good friend suggested it to me since i was in a weird place. i am going through a time where i know what i want and why i want it, its just getting it thats the problem. i have started to actually sit and think about why i do the things i do, and it is kind of scary to think of. i tend to push people away from me if they are nice or "good" for me because i am scared of good things. i want the good thing, but i am slowly learning how to handle it. life is a learning process and most of my life i have been blind to it. i used to think that i did things because that is how i am and there is no changing a person. but people do change, and they need to change and grow in order to become better and reach their true potential. and to top it all off, i have been in an incredible mood to write songs and poetry, but had terrible writers block. if you have never experienced it, when u have writers block, its not that you cant write. u can write anything and everything, but you think it is all shit and end up throwing it away. so last nite, with the encouragement of a certain "mr. perfect" *teehee*, i wrote a song which by his standards, wasnt half bad. and then the computer crashed and i lost it all. i was starting to think that the song was beginning to sum up what i had learned about myself, about the games i play with people because i dont know any better. maybe, if i get the song back, i will put it on here, and you can decide.